Guess it another situation where the guy who’s always the Emergency Response Team for everyone else has to suffer in silence yet again. How’s that song go again? Me, myself and I? I should know the shit by heart, been singing it since birth. Guess I forgot the words lately since I look around and see all the accomplishments I made on my own, with my own two bare hands, my blood, sweat, and tears…with only my faith in my own Divine power,which is my birthright, I have triumphed where many have struggled and broke. I’m strong enough to be the same loving, compassionate person willing to lend a hand when I can. I refuse to become jaded and cold hearted like so many before me. That’s not who my Creator created me to be. God is love and I will continue to show everyone love despite whether they love me back. God’s love is all I need. Dont misunderstand, my love also includes some tough love for those who need it.
People are always surprised and mad when the same results repeat over and over again because they refuse to remove themselves from the same types of people and situations that got them there in the first place. That’s why I don’t look or expect anyone to give me or owe me anything because as soon as you give up responsibility for your own actions and well-being, you find yourself always in the same shit, different day, the same shitty people, the same shitty problems, the same shitty drama, the same shit every day of your life…and then, have the nerve to talk about how much life stinks! and get upset with me because I can smell roses and you only smell shit…And that doesn’t surprise me at all that some of these people think this is normal…their whole lives since they were babies, all they heard was “you aint shit”, “you dont have shit”, “you’re full of shit”… so Im not surprised at all when these kids become adults and live shitty lives because that’s all they have heard anyone say to them. I said it once and I’ll say it again: “If you want to change your life, change your thinking”. #somerealshit #keepingit100% #funky
I went on 3 dates with a girl who knew about my past relationship with a guy. She asked and I chose to be honest and not lie or be deceptive about anything. I have had one serious girlfriend in the past and one serious boyfriend. She didn’t seem bothered or put off about it and we kept in contact almost every day, texting, phone or whatever. I really liked her and her personality, even though I took a BIG chance being open minded since she’s not the kind of girl I would go for looks wise but I liked her personality and decided to get to know her. Things were going well, we were sharing stories and having a good time, so I thought. After the 3 date and no signs or clue to what would happen after, I tried texting and calling but she was becoming more distant and “busy”, not responding to text messages or responding days after. Finally one day, she hit me up on FB and said she’s sorry she’s been distant and was really busy with school and work and thinks I’m an “awesome” guy, blah, blah, blah, but just wants to take it slow and be friends…after being assured that this wasn’t a vague goodbye letter…I thought nothing of it since I am an understanding person and had no reason to suspect she did not want to talk to me or have any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise. She’s starting a new job, working on grad school, etc., so I told myself that I shouldn’t read too deep into it. But then, we talked on the phone less and less, she stops communicating with me all together. Doesn’t respond to text messages, FB messages, or anything…even posted a Happy Birthday on her wall, no response from her. Trying not to blame myself or take the “break” too hard but I don’t want to feel like I have to lie or hide or pretend to be something I’m not in order to be with a woman. I always though women were more tolerant, less judgmental, and more emotional than men but this experience helped me see that men and women are just the same. Its only society that accepts women to be one way and men to be the opposite, and those who refuse to conform to society suffer for rebelling. Maybe I am reading too much into this? Maybe there are more open-minded, non-conformist, and gender stereotype free women out there? I do think that if I was a woman and she was the guy, we’d be going steady?
I feel like there is a double standard when it comes to bisexual men and women. Women, well, at least Western women are condition to be submissive Stepford carbon copies for men. Women are supposed to please and be the object for men, but if the tables are turned, everyone, including women, brainwashed into submission, are up in arms. I know there’s women out there that like watching gay porn just like some straight guys like lesbian porn but the former is not popular so it’s not talked about and most women buy into this whole “submissive, weak, secondary” status. Bisexuality is acceptable for women because it preserves her secondary, submissive status that makes her desirable to men, but for a guy, no matter how great or awesome a woman may find him, male bisexuality is a threat. This is why many bisexual guys find it easier to date other men. I’m not saying there are no open-minded, non-conformist, great women out there who break the mold, I’m just saying that if I, being a bisexual guy, ever fall in love with a woman that unique and wonderful and who loves me back just as much, I’ll move hell and heaven to keep her.
Self explanatory…although many people dont love themselves due to a lack of knowing who they truly are, most people think they are what everyone says they should be or what they wish they were, ignoring who they are in order to be something they are not, chasing after illusions like money, sex, or hell, they are in denial or afraid of their true selves so they escape into a life of illusions and delusions. These are the people who have so many possessions yet never satisfied, always looking and seeking something, whether its sex, money, attention, anything that provides that quick fix, that instant gratification to keep the illusion going. But the funny thing about that is, illusions don’t last, they are unstable and are temporary, truth is eternal and always constant. Even those who are on “the path to truth” struggle because we live in a world of illusions and facades. This struggle that we go through is not in vain, it serves its purpose in order to teach us and give us the appreciation and value that only comes with experience. If you never knew what it was like to be heart broken, how would you know when someone truly loved you? If you never knew what it was like to be lonely and afraid, would you really appreciate it when someone wants to get to know you or lends a helping hand for you? If you never knew what it was like to be without, would you appreciate that which you have? The truth that we should be basing our lives on is within each of us, as individuals, as a human species, as a part of the greater Universe. This truth is the same for all of us, even though we encounter it at different times depending on our level of awareness and acceptance of it. We as human beings are all on our on paths to truths. As we willingly share and accept our truths, we can see that same truth in others and learn to create a better world and existence for us all.
#Taurus’ hate to argue…
Louis C.K. explains white privilege to America on Jay Leno, without actually saying “white privilege”.
this was pretty funny…made me laugh #Americanracerelations
The Only Bitch I Ever Loved
You were the best friend a boy could have but
Technically, you were a bitch but I still loved you.
Mounting your back, I was the cowboy, you were my trusty steed.
The musk of your pure gold coat lingered in my dreams.
Cold, moist onyx muzzle giving sloppy, slobber kisses
Upon my cheek, your large, solid furry body was the pillow
I rested my big boy head.
Oh, how you growled and gnashed your sharp, ivory teeth at any threat toward me.
Protected me like I was the pup you got to keep.
Your dog house, my safe haven where I ran away when I got in trouble
I remember the dilapidated, wooden dog house in the corner of the back yard.
So happy I was when grandpa let you inside our house when it rained or was too cold.
Grandma would put you outside being you were “too big to be a house pet”.
Yet that dog house was your castle, and you were the queen.
I was 6.
They said you’re getting old.
The vet bills got too expensive.
One day you were gone.
Didn’t hear your barks when I got home from school.
Everyone said you ran away.
I wondered what did I do wrong.
Why did you want to leave me?
too big to sleep in your doghouse now
like your other pups, you thought I was taken away.
Or maybe I took myself away?
I blamed myself.
I was 12.
Today, I reminisced with grandma,
browsing through the old family albums.
Passing through the years of photos, I saw one that caught my eye.
I held it up for Grandma to see, as it was by some miracle, you had come back to me.
Oh, Grandma, look, it’s Jazzy and I. That warm sunny day you were perched by my side.
Reminisce about your obsidian eyes
windows for the regal, old soul
within that Akita body.
I sighed in awe and missed you all over again.
Then Grandma said how sad it was to put you to sleep.
I was 24.
I cant go back in time and change shit, as much as I try to beg and ask God for the chance to do so, all I get to do now is to question who I am, feel worthless about feeling different and being different, not have any answers as to why or be told to “move on”, “get over it”, “stop bitching/whining/etc”, or my favorite, “man up”. I’m tired and angry over being a damn magnet for more abusive, manipulative people to use, abuse, and toss to the side whether that’s through friendships, relationships, or just random hook-ups. I am on a constant struggle between trying to comfort and help the 12 year old inner child and live an adult life….and I am just tired of having to always be my own parent when I have to be the parent for my own parents since they are not mature or understanding enough to recognize or acknowledge what their abandonment or neglect of me has done…according to everyone, I am the one with the problem, everyone else is fine, I’m the only one complaining…I’m the oddball…So, Im tired of it and angry as fuck. I am not going to keep acting like Im happy and going along to get along anymore. Im tired of biting my tongue because mommy can’t deal with what I got to say or she’ll have a relapse and start using drugs again. Same scenario with dad. So what am I supposed to do? Just keep being a stunted, grown adult with an abused inner child that haunts me like a bad case of herpes? I cant take my inner child, I’m trying to live my adult life and this little brat is interfering with that, screaming and having tantrums when I ignore it, and when I give into it, it wants to dominate and take control….sometimes, I just want to beat the shit out of it with a belt until I feel better, since that’s what its used to. I am mad at it for acting out and putting me in abusive and manipulative relationships, being so trusting and attached to all the wrong kinds of people because they remind it of mommy and daddy’s “love”. It deserves to be punished.
I shouldn’t be mad at my inner child. After all, he’s just a child. I should be mad at my ex. Without the pain and misery and how dirty he chose to end our relationship, I wouldn’t feel this anger and rage. well, supposedly, he moved on because he’s with the person he was cheating on me with for several months before I even had found out about it, we were together for 4 years….literally he abused and manipulated me the entire time.
Maybe I wouldn’t feel this intense need to want to choke the life force out of him if we were able to break up like adults. But no, we “broke up” after I started standing up for myself and voicing my opinions. He started messing around again with this old but new person from his past. Now I understand why he had so many numbers of exes, friends, and “random” people in his cellphone that he always keep guarded like it was made of gold. he got a head start with “moving on” and then just out of the blue, it was over…I mean I proposed, he said yes, and still lied and manipulated, seeing this other person, while he had me thinking about living our lives together…this is what he does, as I now understand…just lies and manipulates people, hopping from one bed to the next….now I see how when we first me, I was the other man, and he was in a relationship with someone else….I didn’t think nothing of it when he kept getting phone calls and text from someone….I believed every word he said “oh it’s my crazy ex stalking me”….my inner child bought into it because it wanted the love and attention it had always been missing and my ex at the time, was providing the illusion of that. No wonder I, my inner child, always made excuses, exceptions, and bent over backwards to maintain a relationship with him. Did I ever get the same in return? Hindsight is always 20/20.
And this is what he does, breaks up with me when I start not doing what he wants, then when shit isn’t as happy as he thought on the other side of the fence, wants to come back sweet talking and making all these empty promises of how things will be better and different…and what does my dumb ass do with my big heart? “okay, well, long as you promise you wont do it again….” and start making some more excuses and reasons to sweep my feelings and such under the rug, just like when I was a kid and I had to sweep all the pain, hurt, and my own voice under the rug to be “loved” by my abusers.
im tired of forgiving and forgetting…tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt and second, third, and fourth chances….
I need my anger and rage in order to prevent that from happening…but at the same time, my anger and rage will keep me a prisoner in my mind and heart…what the hell am I supposed to do?
Children are to be seen, not heard;
Adults always have the final word.
Parenting like this gets me so stirred.
But I’m no parent, it’s a dream deferred;
So I work with kids, all kinds in need.
I’ll tell why so listen and take heed.
One boy I met wrote about what he dreamed;
Asked him to write a poem, he agreed.
I read the poem he wrote for me.
The title was “A Place I Want to Be”.
I expected something fun like Disney,
wasn’t prepared for such tragedy.
He wrote about galaxies and stars.
Surprising, but its not bizarre.
I asked why outer space and not say Zanzibar?
With sadness, he said he wanted to get far
away so he did not have to play the game.
He said this game brought on his grandma’s shame.
So innocent was he but he took all the blame
for the molestation he had overcame.
I understood why he fancies outer space.
Living in this world, he feels out of place.
Always having to put on his poker face,
this bright child hides his disgrace.
Though a horrid life he survived
I saw a strong spirit needing to be revived
In school this boy had thrived
So shock they were when he tried suicide
A child so special like a star from the sky,
hearing his story brought tears to my eye.
He hands me tissue for my wet eyes to dry.
I’ll do my best to help this young guy.